Gratitude is good for us-most of the time. But especially around the holidays, gratitude can become something else: pressured, polished, and performative. Many people feel the expectation to “be thankful,” even when their body and emotions say something entirely different.
As a therapist, I often see how forced gratitude drifts into toxic positivity-the belief that we should feel good no matter what. But when gratitude is used to push away discomfort or avoid truth, it becomes a mask rather than a source of grounding.
When Gratitude Becomes a Mask
Holiday gatherings bring expectations of joy, connection, and peace. But what if your experience is more complicated?
Maybe the season highlights an empty chair at the table.
Maybe family dynamics feel tense, not warm.
Maybe you’re simply tired from carrying responsibilities no one sees.
People tell themselves:
- “I shouldn’t feel this upset.”
- “I should just be grateful.”
- “I don’t want to bring anyone down.”
But gratitude that requires you to silence yourself isn’t gratitude.
It’s emotional avoidance.
Why Families Lean on Positivity
Toxic positivity usually grows from fear-fear of conflict, fear of intensity, fear that acknowledging pain will make everything unravel. Many families cope with discomfort by staying in “safe” emotional territory: jokes, quick distractions, or reminders to “focus on blessings.”
These patterns aren’t proof of a lack of care; they’re signs that feeling deeply is hard for many people. The holidays tend to reactivate these dynamics quickly.
The Disconnection of Forced Gratitude
Ironically, pressuring ourselves to “be grateful” disconnects us from the very things gratitude is meant to support: connection, honesty, and presence.
You don’t have to choose between gratitude and grief.
Healthy gratitude often grows alongside sadness, stress, or longing.
People who navigate the holidays most authentically often say something like:
“I’m thankful for what’s here… and I’m honest about what’s missing.”
That’s not negativity.
That’s emotional integrity.
Real Gratitude Emerges, Not Performed
Real gratitude is quiet and unexpected.
It shows up in small moments-a warm drink, a genuine conversation, a moment of understanding. It doesn’t demand that you ignore what hurts in order to appreciate what’s good.
When you stop forcing gratitude, you make room to actually notice it.
This Holiday Season…
If gratitude feels natural, welcome it.
If it doesn’t, give yourself permission to honor what’s true.
Maybe the invitation is toward gentleness rather than positivity.
Maybe it’s acknowledging that this year feels different.
Maybe it’s taking a breath and saying, “This is where I am.”
You don’t need curated gratitude to belong or to be okay.
You only need honesty-and that is often the most meaningful gift you can offer yourself.