Many men say they want to be more emotionally open- and when they try, it doesn’t always go well. They risk a moment of honesty, only to see their vulnerability land with discomfort, confusion, or even withdrawal from the person they most hoped would understand.
That moment-when one person reaches out and the other flinches-is often not about a lack of love. It’s about shame.
How Shame Silently Shapes Our Reactions
Brené Brown’s research on shame shows that while both men and women experience it, the triggers often differ.
- For women, shame is most often rooted in the pressure to do it all, do it perfectly, and never let anyone see you struggle.
- For men, shame centers around the fear of being perceived as weak, incompetent, or not man enough.
These patterns collide in relationships when men risk vulnerability. A man shares fear, sadness, or doubt-and his partner, often unconsciously, reacts from her own shame triggers: “If he falls apart, who’s going to hold things together?” “If he needs me this much, maybe I’m not doing enough.”
When those internal fears aren’t recognized, they can come out as words or actions that sound like: “You’re overreacting.” “You’re fine, don’t worry.” “You need to be strong right now.”
These aren’t meant to wound-they’re defensive maneuvers to push away discomfort. Brené’s research shows that shame often drives us to control or create distance when vulnerability feels unsafe. She’s trying to re-establish a sense of safety-often by urging her male partner back into the familiar role of “steady one” so she doesn’t have to confront her own fear of uncertainty or helplessness.
Brené Brown realized that for many men, vulnerability isn’t just hard-it feels dangerous, especially when those closest to them seem unable to hold it.
When Women Haven’t Done Their Own Work
Doing our own “shame work” means understanding where our reactions come from. When women haven’t examined their shame, they often respond to men’s vulnerability with fixing, minimizing, or withdrawal-not because they don’t care, but because it touches something unhealed in themselves.
Men, too, can respond with fixing-it’s how they’ve been taught to show love or reclaim a sense of competence when faced with emotion. For many women, fixing comes from the internalized fear of not being enough or of losing connection if things feel messy or uncertain.
Both are shame-driven reactions to the same core human fear: that being vulnerable will lead to disconnection or rejection.
Both responses are protective-but they protect against different fears. Brené Brown writes, “We can’t be fully empathetic with others until we’re comfortable with our own stories.” If we haven’t faced our own fear of being seen as weak or not enough, someone else’s vulnerability will make us flinch.
What Happens When Women Do Their Work
When women face their own shame triggers and practice self-compassion, they can stay grounded when their partner is vulnerable. They no longer need him to perform strength to feel safe. They can listen without trying to fix. They can meet emotion with empathy instead of fear.
And when that happens-when a man finally feels safe enough to be honest about what’s really happening inside-something sacred opens up.
Avrum Weiss, in Hidden in Plain Sight, says that “Men are waiting for permission to show up as their whole selves.” Weiss emphasizes that men are not emotionally unavailable-they’re emotionally uninvited. The invitation begins when partners can tolerate and honor each other’s humanity, not just their performances.
Why This Work Matters-for Both Sides
Scott Galloway, in Notes on Being a Man, describes how men are often raised to “speak the language of capability rather than vulnerability.” “I should be able to fix this.” “I can’t look weak right now.” “If I don’t have the answer, I’ve failed.”
They’re fluent in fixing, achieving, and solving- not in naming their fears or needs. When a woman meets that with her unexamined shame or discomfort, it confirms the man’s belief that it’s safer to stay silent.
When women own their perfectionism and men face their fear of weakness-relationships move from performance to presence.
As Brown puts it, “Empathy is the antidote to shame.” That means both partners must learn to stay present in the face of discomfort-because that’s where trust grows.
For Couples Doing This Work
This work isn’t about blame; it’s about courage.
- Courage for women to release the myth of perfection and create space for imperfection-in themselves and in their partners.
- Courage for men to step into honesty even when they fear rejection or misunderstanding.
- Courage for both to build a relationship where strength looks like truth, not performance.
When each person tends to their own shame and learns to stay present with emotion, they create something rare: a relationship where both can be fully human, fully seen, and fully loved.