You’ve probably noticed this before: something hits you hard – anger, sadness, fear – and it lingers for hours. Sometimes all day. Other times, it sneaks back in days later when you thought you were past it. Emotions can feel relentless, unpredictable, and stronger than you’d like them to be.
But here’s the truth: emotions themselves are actually short-lived. Neuroscientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor found that the physiological lifespan of an emotion is about 90 seconds. That’s it – 90 seconds for the chemical wave in your body to rise, crest, and fall.
So why do our emotions feel like they take over?
Because we keep them alive – often without realizing it.
The Natural Life of an Emotion
Imagine an emotion like a wave in your body. It builds, peaks, and fades if you let it run its course. But most of us don’t.
Instead of letting the emotion finish, we do one of two things:
- We feed it – replaying the situation in our minds and building a new wave each time.
- We judge it – feeling ashamed, weak, or “too emotional” for having the feeling in the first place.
Either way, the emotion never completes its natural cycle. It gets trapped in our nervous system, and we stay tense, irritated, or flat without knowing why.
Feeding the Emotion
This happens when your mind replays the story.
“She shouldn’t have talked to me like that.”
“I can’t believe I screwed that up.”
“No one ever listens to me.”
Each replay reactivates your body’s stress response – a new wave of adrenaline and cortisol.
You’re not just remembering the emotion; you’re reliving it.
Feeling Bad About the Feeling
The second pattern is quieter but just as powerful. It’s what happens when you judge yourself for feeling what you feel.
“I shouldn’t be this angry.”
“I should be over this by now.”
“If I were stronger, this wouldn’t bother me.”
Now you’re stacking shame or guilt on top of your original emotion. So instead of calming down, your system stays on alert.
This is how a 90-second emotion can stretch into days of irritability, numbness, or exhaustion.
The Nervous System at Work
When we’re in emotional distress, our sympathetic nervous system (the fight-or-flight response) lights up.
If that stress becomes too much or goes on too long, our system may shift into a dorsal vagal state -which is the shutdown or “freeze” response. That’s when emotions start to feel muted. Not because they’re gone, but because your body has gone into energy conservation mode.
For many men, that looks like emotional flatness, zoning out, or detaching – a way to feel safe by not feeling much at all.
Your nervous system isn’t broken. It’s trying to protect you.
When Shame Keeps You Stuck
Shame often disguises itself as control – the part of you that says, “I shouldn’t feel this way.”
But really, shame keeps your emotions looping in the background. It tells you that feeling is unsafe, weak, or unproductive.
And yet, emotions are what move us.
As psychiatrist Curt Thompson writes, “Emotions are the fuel of our behavior – they are what drive us to do what we do.” When we disconnect from our emotions, we disconnect from the energy that makes growth, creativity, and connection possible.
Letting the Emotion Finish
Try this practice the next time something hits hard:
- Pause and notice.
“I’m feeling angry.” “I’m feeling anxious.”
Just name it – without justification or judgment. - Feel it in your body.
Is your chest tight? Jaw clenched? Shoulders raised?
The emotion lives there for a reason. - Breathe through it for 90 seconds.
Your job isn’t to get rid of the feeling – it’s to stay present while your body processes it. -
Watch what comes next.
Often, there’s something softer underneath the first wave – hurt, fear, sadness, longing.
That’s where real healing starts.
Why This Matters
When you stop judging your emotions, you start reclaiming your power to move through them.
You begin to trust your body again – to know that emotions don’t last forever and that you don’t have to avoid them to stay in control.
For men especially, this is the opposite of what we were taught.
Many of us learned that emotional restraint equals strength. But real strength isn’t about containing emotions – it’s about staying present with them until they pass.
Final Thought
Emotions are meant to move. They’re waves, not walls.
When you stop fighting your feelings, you make room for your body to reset – and for you to show up more alive, grounded, and connected.
“An emotion becomes suffering the moment we judge it.” – Tara Brach
Your job isn’t to stop feeling. It’s to let the feeling finish.
If this resonated with you, you may also like:
- Why So Many Men Feel Angry-and Still Alone – explores how anger can cover up deeper emotions like hurt or fear, and what helps men begin to feel again.
- Emotion-Focused Therapy – learn more about an approach that helps you identify, name, and stay present with your emotions without judgment.