We’ve all heard phrases like “when the going gets tough, the tough get going”. It can be easy for men to look at that and think they have to be “tough” to get through a challenging time. “Tough” isn’t exactly clear in the context of this idiom, and it’s a word that means different things to different people. Some people have definitions of “tough” that run contrary to a more modernized view men’s mental health. More than ever people are accepting that men are allowed to feel their feelings, ask for help when they need it, and show vulnerability with the people that are important to them. However, “be tough” often gives men the message they need to keep a stiff upper lip, never
complaining, or showing signs of weakness.
“Resilience” is a word that has been used with increasing frequency in recent conversations concerning mental health and the psychology of happiness. On its surface, “resilient” is very much a synonym for “tough,” but context is crucial. The definition changes considerably in the context of these conversations. The American Psychological
Association defines resilience as “the process and outcome of successfully adapting to difficult or challenging life experiences, especially through mental, emotional, and behavioral flexibility and adjustment to external and internal demands.” Here we see the main difference: it is toughness in the ability to adapt to the strain of life’s challenges rather than be impervious to them.
Using Social Resources To Build Resilience
So how do we become more adaptable? While the conventional ideal of toughness typically involves stoicism, “resilience” as it is defined above relies on the opposite.
Those who have quality social resources (e.g. friends, family, therapists) and make use of them are far better equipped to effectively process difficult emotions and experiences.
Utilizing social resources might look like: asking for help, sharing our challenges, and describing our own internal conflicts or uncertainties. Though circumstances are different for everyone, 10 out of 10 times, our family and friends are feeling, or have felt, the same emotions we are experiencing. They will be able to relate.
Some friends and family might be able to intuit the kinds of support you want, but most will not know without you asking for it. (This is true even in our romantic relationships.) Unfortunately, friends and family, while well-meaning, might fall short of providing the kinds of support or space that you need. Please don’t give up on these
resources all together.
Therapy can help bridge these gaps.
How Therapy Builds Resilience
Aside from quality social support, our view of the world and our coping strategies have a large part to play in our ability to be resilient. Though therapy looks different for everyone, it often helps us to redefine and change our view of the world to a healthier perspective, and develop better coping strategies. We’ll soon see reduced stress and anxiety and improved quality of relationships. (Not to mention improved sleep and physical benefits as well.)
Studies show that those who are able to experience gratitude for the positive aspects of their lives while acknowledging that challenges are inevitable and universal are typically happier and more resilient. Therapy can help you hold the two in a healthy tension.
Sometimes we don’t know what we need, and as a result, we can’t communicate them to our support resources. Therapy helps us identify the types of support that is beneficial for us and also learn the communication skills necessary to express them to our loved ones, resulting in stronger relationships and support.
Challenges are inevitable in life, but with quality support and the right coping skills, you can weather any storm.